I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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