If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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