you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
