i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
