remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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