Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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