I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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