Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
