This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
