i don't plan on having that self control this summer
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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