i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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