she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Randomize