i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
