Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
