It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
