when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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