So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
