I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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