I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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