he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
