i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
