I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize