Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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