okay pat passed out under dana's car
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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