Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
