i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
