her vagina looked like bernie madoff
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
