She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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