It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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