oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
