I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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