im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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