Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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