shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
