You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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