she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
