WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
