you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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