nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
