Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
