True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize