If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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