I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
