I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You need Xanax blowdarts
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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