I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
