so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
