if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
