She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
