Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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