I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
