You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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