Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
