Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
