i may or may not be watching the land before time
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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