Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
