Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
