just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
