I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
