I intend to get homeless drunk
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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