The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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