Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
