She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
