Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
