it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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