i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
