awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize