We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
