New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
