I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize