I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
