I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
