Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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