I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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