the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
